What Not to Say to Someone with Cancer: A Guide for Friends and Family
Learn what phrases to avoid when talking to a friend with cancer and discover supportive alternatives that truly help.
What Not to Say to Someone with Cancer: A Guide for Friends and Family
When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer, it's natural to feel unsure about what to say. You want to be supportive, but the fear of saying the wrong thing can be overwhelming. The truth is, even the most well-intentioned words can sometimes hurt rather than help.
This guide is here to help you navigate these difficult conversations with empathy and understanding. We'll share common phrases that cancer patients find hurtful, explain why they can be problematic, and offer better alternatives.
Why Words Matter
Before we dive in, it's important to understand that every person's cancer journey is unique. What bothers one person might not affect another. However, cancer survivors and oncology experts consistently point to certain phrases that tend to cause more harm than good.
"People mean well, but sometimes their words can feel like a punch in the gut. Knowing what to say – and what not to say – can make a real difference in supporting someone through their cancer journey."
10 Things to Avoid Saying to Someone with Cancer
1. "I know exactly how you feel"
Why it's hurtful: Unless you've had the same cancer diagnosis and treatment, you don't know exactly how they feel. Everyone's experience is unique, and this phrase can minimize their personal struggle.
What to say instead: "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here for you."
2. "Everything happens for a reason"
Why it's hurtful: This cliché suggests that their cancer serves some higher purpose, which can feel invalidating and dismissive of their pain and fear.
What to say instead: "This is incredibly unfair. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this."
3. "Stay positive! You have to fight this!"
Why it's hurtful: While positivity can be helpful, demanding it puts pressure on patients to suppress their very real fears and emotions. Cancer isn't a battle that can be won through willpower alone.
What to say instead: "It's okay to feel however you feel. I'm here to listen whenever you need to talk."
4. "My [relative/friend] died of cancer"
Why it's hurtful: Sharing stories about people who died from cancer can be terrifying for someone facing their own diagnosis. It reinforces their worst fears rather than offering comfort.
What to say instead: If you want to share a story, focus on survivors or simply say, "I know treatment has come a long way. I believe in you."
5. "At least it's a 'good' cancer"
Why it's hurtful: There's no such thing as a "good" cancer. Every cancer diagnosis is frightening and life-changing, regardless of statistics or prognosis.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry you're going through this. Cancer is scary no matter what."
6. "Have you tried [alternative treatment/diet/supplement]?"
Why it's hurtful: Unsolicited medical advice can be overwhelming and implies that the patient isn't doing enough to help themselves. It also undermines their trust in their medical team.
What to say instead: "I trust you and your doctors to make the best decisions for your treatment."
7. "What's your prognosis? What are your odds?"
Why it's hurtful: Asking about survival statistics puts pressure on patients to discuss their deepest fears. Many patients don't want to focus on numbers – they want to focus on living.
What to say instead: Let them bring up prognosis if they want to discuss it. Simply say, "I'm here for you, today and every day."
8. "You look great!" (especially about hair/weight)
Why it's hurtful: Comments about appearance, particularly about wigs or weight changes, can remind patients of what treatment has taken from them. Many feel far from "great" even if they look okay on the outside.
What to say instead: "It's so good to see you. How are you really feeling today?"
9. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
Why it's hurtful: Cancer isn't a character-building exercise. This phrase minimizes the very real physical and emotional trauma patients experience.
What to say instead: "You don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to lean on the people who love you."
10. Saying nothing at all
Why it's hurtful: Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing leads people to disappear from a cancer patient's life. This silence can feel like abandonment during their most difficult time.
What to say instead: "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care and I'm here for you."
What Cancer Patients Actually Want to Hear
Instead of the phrases above, here are some things that cancer patients often appreciate:
- "I'm here for you" – Simple, genuine, and comforting
- "I love you" – Sometimes the simplest words are the most powerful
- "Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?" – Specific offers of help are easier to accept
- "Would you like company, or would you prefer some quiet time?" – Respects their needs
- "I'm thinking of you" – Shows you care without demanding anything in return
- "Tell me what you need today" – Puts them in control
Practical Ways to Show Support
Words are important, but actions speak volumes too. Here are some practical ways to support your friend or family member:
| Helpful Actions | Why It Helps |
|---|---|
| Bring meals (coordinate with others) | Reduces daily burden |
| Offer to drive to appointments | Treatment can be exhausting |
| Help with household chores | Preserves their energy |
| Send cards or small gifts | Shows you're thinking of them |
| Just sit with them | Sometimes presence is enough |
| Remember important dates | Treatment milestones matter |
When They Don't Want to Talk About Cancer
Sometimes, the best support is treating them normally. Cancer patients often appreciate moments when they can forget about their illness and just enjoy life. Follow their lead – if they want to talk about cancer, listen. If they want to discuss the latest movie or laugh at silly jokes, join in.
If You've Said Something Hurtful
We've all said things we regret. If you realize you've said something hurtful:
- Acknowledge it – "I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't think it through."
- Don't make excuses – Simply apologize without justifying your words
- Move forward – Show up for them and let your actions demonstrate your care
Remember: Your Presence Matters
The most important thing you can do for someone with cancer is to be there. You don't need perfect words. You don't need to fix anything. Your presence, your willingness to listen, and your genuine care are what truly matter.
Cancer can be an isolating experience, but it doesn't have to be. By choosing your words thoughtfully and showing up consistently, you can make a real difference in someone's journey.
You're not alone in learning how to support a loved one through cancer. We're all doing our best, and the fact that you're reading this shows how much you care. Keep showing up – your presence means more than you know.
If you're supporting someone with cancer, the OncoSteps app can help you coordinate care, track appointments, and stay connected with their treatment journey. Learn more about how we support patients and caregivers alike.